Monthly Archives: December 2015

24/7 digital life support

In homage to all the beeps, buzzes, wails, whooshes, chimes and pings that punctuate our daily lives.

(Add times and rearrange order of events as appropriate).

 

Alarm rings

Alarm rings again – expletive

Razor battery low – hunt for plug

Microwave milk – set time

Milk boils over – expletive

Text message – neighbour sick, son needs lift

Remove skin – reheat milk

Door bell – neighbour’s son

Set burglar alarm

Passenger door still open

Seat belt unfastened

Reversing into tree – correct trajectory

Pedestrian crossing

Lorry reversing

Pedestrian crossing

Ambulance

Radio news time signal

Low on fuel

Reverse into parking space outside school

Passenger door still open – close and pull away

Fire engine

Work car park barrier lowered

Security guard on walkie talkie

Car park barrier raised

Reversing into space

Lights still on

Activate car alarm

Pedestrian crossing

Swipe entrance to office building

Swipe office door – red

Re-programme swipe card

Office door green

Install PC updates?

Restart required

Incoming email x20

Outgoing email x 9

Delete junk

Mouse battery low

Recharge smartphone

Colleague enters office

More colleagues enter office

Fire alarm test

Incoming email x10

Outgoing email x 5

Delete junk

Meeting in 10 mins

Enter PIN at bank service till

Assistant reads newspaper barcode at bookshop

Swipe office door

Meeting in 2 mins

Enter credit card PIN to pay for colleagues’ coffee

Swipe office door

Incoming email x 6

Meeting in 10 mins

PC error – expletive

Reboot

Meeting in 2 mins

Swipe meeting room door – apologise

Swipe correct meeting room door

Incoming email – ignore

Incoming Skype call

Invite Skype caller into meeting

Skype caller joins meeting

Lost connection

Connection re-established – audio only

Connection lost

Text message – meet another time

Leave meeting

Swipe office door

Colleague’s phone rings – Ride of the Valkyries

Colleague leaves office

Incoming emails x 11

Outgoing emails x 3

Delete junk

Colleague re-enters

Application crashes – lose changes

Smartphone updates required – remind me later

Swipe staff kitchen door

Heat leftovers in microwave – set time

Leftovers reheated – scald finger

Text from son – will be late home from school

Swipe office door

Incoming email x3

Meeting alert 10 mins

Meeting cancelled

Incoming email x2

Delete

System outage – raise service ticket

Incoming email x17

Dial phone x3

Outgoing email x9

Office door swiped 15 times

Leave office

Text from wife – why late?

Wait at pedestrian crossing

De-activate car alarm

Petrol very low – ignore

Car park barrier raised

Wait at pedestrian crossing

Police siren

Pedestrian crossing

Reversing into drive

Set car alarm

De-activate burglar alarm

Answerphone – 3 messages

Delete

Make bread dough – set time

Text from son – is supper ready?

Fish in oven – set time

Microwave potatoes – set time

Potatoes ready

Fish ready – eat

Text – neighbour still ill, pick up son at 7:25 tomorrow

Door bell – son home

Reheat fish in microwave

Fish reheated

Text message from sister-in-law – house purchase has fallen through

Dough ready

Dough into oven – set time

Set dishwasher programme

Incoming email x25

Trashcan

Bread baked – singe oven glove

Dishes washed

End of TV transmissions – get off sofa

Reset alarm clock for 6.25 am

Alarm goes off – expletive from wife

Put on glasses and reset alarm

Smoke alarm battery low – hunt for replacement

DC al capo